The Door and the Window

When I first learned how to cry for those who went before me I learned it from the best. My Irish family, my German family, my imbibing family. They showed me, and they insisted, that I grieve loudly and longly. To each of them I am forever indebted.

Thankfully there were many years in between the important losses. Many years when I got to be earthbound with the ones I love. But last week when my brother crossed that thin veil-between to the side without carbon forms, I found I was no longer in touch with the freedom of my tears. I had learned that my grief might cause discomfort in people around me. With adult focus I understood that perhaps everyone doesn’t agree that embracing sad is the only way to happy. Minding my manners, I found the loudness of my love happening only in the silence of my aloneness.

Then, as the universe is wont to do, a gift appeared on my doorstep. In modern times, that means my text messages. A dear friend whose circumstances – coupled with mine – got in the way of us always finding time, was suddenly there. Our love was shared through the energy of our voices over the phone, and that “it feels like just yesterday” reality bridged the decade between our conversations. I knew she had never been gone from my heart or my mind. And in the midst of the reason for the call, the catching up, and the “Oh My God I have missed you” moments, I also got to share my so-sad sibling loss with real tears and loud sobs.
And then the smiles got to come and I know they are here for the duration. It is no doubt the gift we have just received from the seeming mix-up that put us both in the bottom of the blender again at the same time.

And this time I will not let go.

Good bye Bob. Hello Tom and Denise. Thanks for trading placesf or this little time I have available to hug you with real arms.


3 Responses to The Door and the Window

  1. genierivers says:

    Darling Maryann, your post is stunningly beautiful and beautifully written. I know the deep pain I experienced at losing both of my beloved kitties within 3 weeks a couple of months ago, so I can hardly imagine the pain of losing a brother. And although our schedules do not cooperate in us getting together nearly enough, you are often in my thoughts. I feel very lucky to count you among my treasured friends. Thank you for being you!


    Genie Rivers


    Cell: (206) 499-0802

  2. rhonda says:

    Beautiful, thank you for sharing with all of us. It is an opportunity for us to learn and grow as well. Big hugs my friend. Hope to hear from you soon.

  3. Denise says:

    When I found may way to your blog today I immediately saw the subject ” The Door and the Window” and I thought “this read should be interesting given the transition I am going through”. Then I read on; hanging on to every word written, every emotion you expressed. Still not realizing the subject behind your words I was closely drawn to the comfort of your wisdom. During a time where doubt slowly seeps its way into my psyche, I find solace In the words of a great scholar, St. Augustine “Lord, I believe, help my unbelief”. I want you to know it is in your words that I hear the answer to this prayer. Thank you my dear friend for helping me believe.

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